Yayyyyy xoxo <3 (:

Soooooooo happy. This one's a keeper. (: If I weren't thinking about him right now my day would seem so much worse... (: (: (: (:

I'm never getting married. If I ever like another guy again I'm gonna run away and live with an indigenous tribe in South America.

I'm in love with the song "Distance" by Christina Perri. It's like my life song right now. Def gonna learn to play this one.

"I will make sure to keep my distance, say 'I love you' when you're not listening."

Confused again.

I'm. So. Sick. Of being so confused all the time. I don't think I'll ever give up on him, and I really want this to work out, but I don't know if he'll ever feel the same way about me... I mean, come on. He's wayyyy cooler than me anyway, so what makes me think I even have a chance? But even if I don't have a chance, I feel like ending in major disappointment would be easier than just giving up on him. The Bible says "love is patient", well I'll prove it. I don't care what it takes.

"I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough."

The Prodigal

It's sad how far I can fall from You
Blinded by the world's twisted views
They draw me in with cunning lies
With pleasant smiles but deceitful eyes
You're hurt when I choose them instead
When I follow the heartless, the lost and the dead
I've wasted precious time trying to fit in
But I finally saw what I was living in
I saw how broken I had become
How in my sin I became numb
I didn't see til it was to late
I had to learn from tragic mistakes
But the beautiful thing is You take me back
Despite everything that I lack
Though I spitefully shunned your loving embrace
You showered me with unwavering grace
I turned my back when You died for me
Though I left You, You'll never leave me.

Don't even say "I told you so"
I know I was totally wrong
Every wasted moment though
And every stupid song
They all come back to haunt me
I was just so convinced
These memories, they taunt me
It was all just circumstance
Nothing really meant anything
I read into it too much
I just did all this overthinking
And risked my heart on a hunch
Now I'm sitting here regretting
Everything I told him
These tears are resurrecting
All the pain I felt before him
I know I have myself to blame
He didn't start all this
But nothing will ever be the same
Will I always feel this hopeless?
I just wish I had a time machine
So I could warn myself to stop
So I wouldn't have to feel this pain
So I could avoid this deadly drop
I wonder when I'll feel better
It's taken months before
My heart might ache a year later
Though I won't care anymore
I waved goodbye to my feelings
The ones I treasured for so long
But this storm has left me reeling
And my regrets have been prolonged

Amy

Soooooo looks like I'm gonna be all alone at camp. This is going to be so incredibly weird... and hard. I totally know God's got something up His sleeve though. Stayin' positive. "Lean not on your own understanding."
Story time!
Okay so my second summer at camp there was this girl. I'm not gonna use her real name so we'll just call her Amy. ;) So about my 1st week of camp that summer, Amy was placed in my cabin. She seemed polite enough, but very distant and almost cold in the way she interacted with the cabin leaders and other campers. After a day or two we started to get concerned about her behavior. She hardly ever smiled and never laughed. Oftentimes she would start crying during chapel, and one of the other cabin leaders would have to take her out so she wouldn't distract the others. Once, as the camp director was sharing the Gospel message, she was heard repeatedly whispering, and almost reassuring herself that she "didn't need God". After taking her out of chapel because she was crying again, the other cabin leader asked if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart. Her answer was a violent, harsh "No!" We started to wonder if there might be something seriously wrong, like demon possession, or the influences of demonic forces on her mind. That night, the four of us who were her cabin leaders gathered in prayer, asking God to free her from whatever this evil force was that was causing her to be so against Him. I also texted many of my friends asking for their prayers. The next night, after being taken out of the chapel again for crying, the cabin leader who had taken her out came into the cabin after chapel with tears in her eyes. She told us later that night that Amy had asked Jesus into her heart. We cried and hugged and praised God. He had answered our prayers and it was such an incredible feeling! The next day Amy was a totally different girl. She smiled and laughed and played with the other kids and bonded with the cabin leaders. There was a total transformation in her behavior! After that night she never cried in chapel again.
I don't know where Amy is now. She never came back to camp, but I like to think that she's living for Jesus. That she's trusting Him no matter what's going on in her life. I don't know if she'll ever know, but it was through Amy that I first saw the incredible power and love of God. Frequently she crosses my mind, and every time she does, I send up a prayer for her, and thank God for showing me how His work through a little girl made a big impact on my life.

Long Live

Trying to trust God to work things out... my whole world is changing! I'm the youngest of my group of friends at camp and everyone's moving on from camp and I'm not. It's going to be sooooooo different without them there. Who will be there to notice when I'm stressed out? Who's gonna be my devious partner in crime and help me prank people? Where will I go when I need godly advice and encouragement? All the hugs and smiles and shared jokes and incredible times are just memories now. Next year all of us will be in college and living our busy lives. I wonder if our friendships will last... they say that there's those special friends who will always be in your heart wherever you go. I think some of my camp friends are those special people. Even if I never see them again, I will never forget the impact they had on my life. I'll never forget how they brought me closer to the Lord and how inspired I was by their faith in Him. I'll never forget when I was crying and they were there for me with hugs and sympathy. My most intimate experiences with God were at camp with those people. They are the the greatest friends anyone could ever dream of. They are faithful, loyal, kind, loving, generous and honest. They reflect Jesus in the most vivid way you could possibly imagine. I will never have another group of friends as amazing as my Camp Good News family. So even though my heart aches at the thought of everything changing so much, I am grateful. Grateful for the light they shone in a depressed, unhappy girl's dark world. Grateful that thanks to Jesus' abounding grace and mercy through them, I'm never going back to that darkness. Grateful that I'm the person I am today, living for my Lord to the best of my ability and trying to be an example to others, because they first were an example to me. So I continue with life-- tears in my eyes, but a smile on my face. Knowing that God has great plans in store for my camp friends and I, wherever we may go. And knowing that someday we'll have eternity to spend with each other, reflecting on God's goodness and playing silly pranks on the other citizens of heaven. Thank you God for making my high school summers the most beautiful times of my life so far.

"If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell 'em my name."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting myself into trouble... gotta be fearless yo. ;P

Things That I Love

My rabbit (:
Vintage shoes (these are like 20+ years old)
My cousin/bandmate/best friend, Bekah
Koala bears <3
My guitar, Samuel
Inventing fun hairstyles
Guy friends who are like brothers to me (my "brother" Jeremy)
Selfies (they're just fun sometimes)
More fun hairstyles (:
Photo shoots

There's Been a Lot Of Rain Lately...

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." --When he finally gets around to talking to me, I might just decide to dance in the rain. I need to know if he feels the same way so that if he doesn't I can move on.

How He Loves Us All

Today Pastor Tim spoke about trials. It was such a refreshing message. I know that no matter what I go through I can always rely on the Spirit of God in me to get me through. Tim's right. It's such an incredible thing to know that the Holy Spirit is inside of me! And that the God who breathed stars and caused a worldwide flood and created every person in this world loves me! Lowly, sinful, careless, clumsy me. He loves me eternally and unconditionally. That's just so, so, SO unimaginable. He's so amazing.

Uhmmm yeah... :/

So here's the thing. I liked you. A lot. And you seemed to like me too. I've had so many good times talking to you. I learned so much about you and did everything I could to show you I care. I know how many siblings you have and all their names, I know all your favorite music, and I know your favorite things to do. I'll never forget all the nights staying up til 2am spilling my problems to you and hearing some of your deepest secrets. I'll never forget every word you said that made me really laugh. I don't know why you're acting the way you are now... was I wrong all along? Are you only interested in my friendship, or maybe not even that? I don't know what to think. Lately you've been so distant. That sunshine that brightened my world not so long ago has all but disappeared in the thickest, darkest clouds I've ever known. Rarely does a ray of sunlight break through anymore. A week ago my world was perfect. Sure, I had problems with friends and family, but I always had you to go to. Now when I try to confide in you, I only get cold, disinterested responses, or no response at all. What are you doing? I wish I could read your mind... I wish you could see how hurt and confused I feel. Please, please tell me this isn't going to be the end of us. We've barely even begun.

Complicated

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like somebody else, it gets me frustrated.

Dissolved

I know she's prettier than me, and more talented, and more popular... but did you have to ditch me to be her best friend? You have no idea how much you're hurting me right now... I miss all the years when we laughed together about nothing at all, and when we went for walks and talked about boys, and how I cried when he broke my heart and you were there for me. I miss everything you left behind. It's all just stupid memories now... I pictured us always being best friends, we'd go to the same college, be roomies, meet handsome twins, be in each others' weddings, babysit each others' kids, even retire together. I pictured our friendship as lasting forever, and now you're choosing to give it all up. I thought you were the most loyal friend in all the world, I guess I thought wrong.

This is what I felt before he came along. I want to feel like that again.

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus. <3

Jesus I need your help!

Have you ever had the feeling that someone you REALLY care about is gradually falling away from the Lord and nothing you say or do seems to have an effect on them? I feel SO helpless and I hate it! I don't want to lose someone else... all I can do is hope and pray like I've never prayed before. I want so badly for God to work this one out... I'd give my life for ANYONE if it meant they could have the same joy I have. But for this person, I would give my life with a smile on my face. Because nothing would bring more joy than to see them living a beautiful life full of assurance in Jesus. Praying so hard. <3

Love > Hate

I hate that I physically feel pain in my chest and have trouble breathing when he doesn't text back. I hate that it's so hard to keep myself from calling him and that I feel like something's wrong whenever I'm not talking to him. But I don't want these feelings to go away. I don't want to ruin the first real chance I've ever had.

Confessions of a Lovestruck Girl By Shannon Thompson

The first time I saw you
You came through the storm
I had barely made it through
I was tired and worn
No tears left to cry
The rain washed them away
The wind took my sighs
I could only pray
So the first time we spoke
I was so insecure
So totally broken
But then you were there
I came out of hiding
To a world of beauty
Where just seeing your face
Made me so happy
The old became newer
The frowns became fewer
When I closed my eyes
It was to picture your face
Instead of trying not to cry
I tried to stop my heart racing
Now I stay up all night
Just thinking of this
Thoughts of you are bright lights
In the darkest darkness
Sometimes fear intervenes
Do I really deserve you?
You're intelligent, charming
And I'm just the same me
But somehow I feel
That it's not just my feelings
That "us" will be real
And you'll finally see
You strengthen my faith
And you always make me smile
You brighten my days
And it lasts for a while
So here I am on my knees
Praying for your love
I know God hears my pleas
I'm trusting my Father above
We'll both know the truth
And we may be together
If it's in God's plan
I pray it's forever

One of those horrible days where the whole world is against you and you just wanna curl up in a ball and cry yourself to sleep and never wake up again.

Adorbs :)

Yay (:

I've never felt so happy before. Talking to him makes my darkest, coldest days warm and sunshiny again. (: I hope this lasts forever.

Beauty <3

(: Love

Cutsies! But I would never have my hair like that... :)

Tattoos I Want (:

I don't wall all of these to the scale they're at but they're definitely giving me great ideas!

:/

Really hatin on school right now... not to mention my "teacher" thinks that the reason I suck is because of my freaking phone when really it's because I just can't focus worth a crap and the textbooks are the most dull books on this earth... fml. :/ I wish I was in a real school. Then I could just listen to someone else and take notes. It's a lot more efficient than reading and stopping every second to write stuff down. And when I'm reading something it's like I'm reading the words but sometimes I'll be thinking about something else and I don't remember anything I read five minutes before... I need some ADHD medication but my mom doesn't take me seriously. I wish she'd realize it's not just an excuse. :(

New Life

When people die, you know what I do? One, I trust God to know what He's doing first and foremost. And two, I get really depressed and have a strange urge to put up a depressing profile picture, and dress all in black for the rest of my life. My heart goes out to the Pedersen family tonight. BJ was an inspiration to us all and as hard as it is to say goodbye, it's also very exciting to think that he's in heaven with the Lord. We may not always understand why God lets bad things happen, but we do know that we can trust Him to do what's best for us. When has he ever been wrong?

Really sad, really tired, really hurt, and REALLY discouraged tonight.... but I'll get through it okay. I hope....

Hi

Om nom nooooommyynomnmmpmo

Love siobahn :B

Hmmm.

Today has been a pretty good day. My hair is blonder and I have a new leather jacket and a Beatles shirt. :) Still looking for ways to reach out to the people at my work... it's hard to have a conversation though when I mess up... hmmm.

I'm so tired of feeling this way. And no one even knows what I struggle with every day. I wish I could end it all but I know that's the wrong choice to make... I really need God's help through all this. Cause every good thing in my life turns out to be a horrible thing and I just can't handle it all on my own... :/

This is adorable. :)

:O

Scariest picture I've ever seen. I like, threw my phone across the room when I saw it...

Love hurts? Think again.

The love Jesus gives will never hurt.

<3 my daddy. :)

So many things that I wish you knew, so many walls up I can't break through...

Me? (:

This is what I do in my spare time. :)

<3

I have an amazing family of friends. :)

Kitty Rage

Hello Kitty contact lenses. Haha cool? Creepy? Gross? You decide. :)
And how about this microwave I saw at Target? I think it's adorbs. :] <3

Darkness by Shannon Alice

She tries so hard to keep up
But nothing she does is good enough
She works to earn their admiration
But instead she only gets frustration
She's so sick of looking like she's got it all together
When really it all could come down at the touch of a feather
Sometimes the pain is just overwhelming
Her heart and her soul feel like they're drowning
She screams so loud but no one seems to hear her
They just keep telling her she needs to do better
The whole time she's looking fine on the outside
There's a war raging within her that she desperately hides
She knows they'll all judge her if she shows her true colors
And she'll be thrown out of their lives like so many others
The scars of her past threaten to show
The last thing she wants is for anyone to know
If she tells them how dark and lonely she's become
How weakened she is from fighting the demons
They'll lock her away and throw out the key
Or those she looks up to will see her differently
She hears the whispers of their critical voices
Accusing her for all her wrong choices
She hears the insults and sees angry looks
Their hurtful remarks embed themselves like hooks
Who is this girl who's so broken, unclean?
I'm telling you now that this girl is me.

Truth

Whether you like it or not.

Why? by Shannon Alice

Everyday without you makes the ache grow worse
I'm being prodded towards your cold eyes by an unseen force
No matter how much I try to run from your beauty
Those unloving eyes with their enchantment hold me
All I can do is give in to this love
That's eating through my heart and burning me up
Despite the pain it brings me, I keep up foolish hopes
Despite the tears, you hold me with invisible ropes
You don't even know it but you're torturing me
And even worse yet, no one else hears my plees
I've tried so hard to forget about you
But every time I try, the thoughts come back new
Now I don't even want to forget anymore
Because I've never loved any man so much before
I don't know if you're reading this but I need you right now
I need one more time to see you smile
Cause who knows how long this love will last?
Longer than any love from my past
If you're reading this, hear my cry
I know you don't love me, but please, tell me why.